Most of you old-timers are aware of my past and my sometimes uncomfortable existence here with select few post'ers. i have to say something about all of that. Because if I don't right now I'm afraid I may never come back here.
Basically I'm feeling caught between realities at this point. Sort of a weird message board Twilight Zone. Or at least I'm seeking to understand what exactly is going on with me at the moment. And like it or not, that involves at least some of you here...and not necessarily in a bad way. lol
Here's my strange dilemma...it seems as though my sharing of my past individual stuff here has done two equally profound, yet seemingly diametrically opposed happenings.
One of those is that by sharing so deeply and having others here comment (with love) reassuringly it seems to have helped mend some inner broken parts that have long been major issues for me. That's no small achievement. I've also cried out to God for help in this area as it's torture if you can't relate well with others. That and your loving responses have helped me a lot. The proof is in my relationship with my girlfriend. I've been on and off with her since 1993. I usually leave her when things get too close. But lately all I feel for her is love and gratitude. And she loves me more than she has ever loved me before. It's fantastic. I just know it now...that sense of unity brought about by true love...where before there was only a deep abyss of fear. It's awesome. Reallly awesome. We both had our issues and now it seems we're both discarding them as we heal together. sorry if this is too mushy.
That part is wonderful. The other stuff though, isn't.
When I disclosed my past stuff here and one person here suggested I had molested someone it threw me to say the least. Being a Psych major in college I know the fears related to this subject....even by the educated. Many women seem to think if a guy has been molested then he will molest others. And that was suggested by one in a class of mine and I've never forgotten it. She succeeded in making me feel even more alone than before I shared about my experience. And no other person spoke up in that classroom. I was then a certified basket-case so I couldn't. I had acquired learned-helplessness (Seligman) from a torturous childhood down to a tee. So that's why I was in disbelief when a certain post'er here asked or suggested I had molested. And no one spoke up except for one person...might have been Big D or BoltJolt...i'm not sure. But I felt alone again and I still don't have much trust here because of that. That's why I'm caught between feelings. On one hand I'm very grateful that I was allowed to post my misery here and so many of you commented very touchingly in response. But there's also the lack of standing up for me when I needed you most. When that certain post'er, who still posts here, said what he said and only one of you said anything to about it being wrong or no appropriate.
So thank you for being so loving to me when I shared about my childhood stuff. And I hope I can forgive for the rest.
Basically I'm feeling caught between realities at this point. Sort of a weird message board Twilight Zone. Or at least I'm seeking to understand what exactly is going on with me at the moment. And like it or not, that involves at least some of you here...and not necessarily in a bad way. lol
Here's my strange dilemma...it seems as though my sharing of my past individual stuff here has done two equally profound, yet seemingly diametrically opposed happenings.
One of those is that by sharing so deeply and having others here comment (with love) reassuringly it seems to have helped mend some inner broken parts that have long been major issues for me. That's no small achievement. I've also cried out to God for help in this area as it's torture if you can't relate well with others. That and your loving responses have helped me a lot. The proof is in my relationship with my girlfriend. I've been on and off with her since 1993. I usually leave her when things get too close. But lately all I feel for her is love and gratitude. And she loves me more than she has ever loved me before. It's fantastic. I just know it now...that sense of unity brought about by true love...where before there was only a deep abyss of fear. It's awesome. Reallly awesome. We both had our issues and now it seems we're both discarding them as we heal together. sorry if this is too mushy.
That part is wonderful. The other stuff though, isn't.
When I disclosed my past stuff here and one person here suggested I had molested someone it threw me to say the least. Being a Psych major in college I know the fears related to this subject....even by the educated. Many women seem to think if a guy has been molested then he will molest others. And that was suggested by one in a class of mine and I've never forgotten it. She succeeded in making me feel even more alone than before I shared about my experience. And no other person spoke up in that classroom. I was then a certified basket-case so I couldn't. I had acquired learned-helplessness (Seligman) from a torturous childhood down to a tee. So that's why I was in disbelief when a certain post'er here asked or suggested I had molested. And no one spoke up except for one person...might have been Big D or BoltJolt...i'm not sure. But I felt alone again and I still don't have much trust here because of that. That's why I'm caught between feelings. On one hand I'm very grateful that I was allowed to post my misery here and so many of you commented very touchingly in response. But there's also the lack of standing up for me when I needed you most. When that certain post'er, who still posts here, said what he said and only one of you said anything to about it being wrong or no appropriate.
So thank you for being so loving to me when I shared about my childhood stuff. And I hope I can forgive for the rest.
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