Tweet
Some people are fans of the Los Angeles Chargers. But many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many more people are NOT fans of the Los Angeles Chargers. This 2018 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group.
Your team: Los Angeles Chargers.
Your 2017 record: 9-7. And if you thought the Chargers were gonna somehow shed their penchant for late-game dick-shooting in the course of moving to LA, you must be a member of the Spanos family. In their very first game, they had a game-tying kick whistled dead after the Broncos froze the kicker, and then had the subsequent kick blocked. In their second game, the kicker missed ANOTHER field goal right at the very end that would have won it. They also lost to the Patriots after their returner fielded a punt at the 11 and somehow turned it into a safety:
Again, nothing about this is surprising. Everyone knew the move to LA would be a disaster, but the Chargers did it anyway and now their stadium serves as a vacation spot for asshole Eagles fans. They lost a playoff tiebreaker to fucking BUFFALO.
Your coach:PUMPEDfor the upcoming season!Your quarterback: MARMALARD!!!!
YOUEveryone on this team has either suffered a horrific injury or is about to. Tight end Hunter Henry? Torn ACL. Cornerback Jason Verrett? Torn Achilles. Cornerback Trevor Williams hurt his ankle and Joey Bosa already hurt his foot:
Adam SchefterVerified account @AdamSchefterzyp3270ofq81v6mdwll1.jpgWhat has always sucked: Serious Tom Arnoldand brandishing a cheap logo and a shitty hat. Then he had the hilarious, blind GALL to charge $100 to anyone looking for a parking spot. He played hardball with their best draft prospect in years. He fired the equipment manager of 38 years only AFTER the poor bastard had uprooted and moved with them to L.A.. Kevin Clark of The RingerDJ92Ak-UIAEMv7p.jpg Even the mayor of L.A.Boltman. Boltman is the mascot for a pizza chain no one asked for.
What might not suck: fdayhrlmyhgzcrlymwei.jpg
Bobby Beathard just got inducted into the Hall of Fame and I assume they conveniently glanced over the time he traded away a future first rounder to draft Bryan Still, who lasted a grand total of four years in football before falling off a cliff. Then he traded ANOTHER future first to draft Mikhael Ricks! Amazing. Drafting Ryan Leaf was downright sensible compared to those two moves.
HEAR IT FROM CHARGERS FANS!
Justin Halpern:
Alex:
Robert:
Steve:
Joshua:
Jake:
Jay:
Brett:
Mike:
Jeff:
Tim:
Ryan:
m2kvzbsgprrdp9odasl7.png
Jeff:
Patrick:
Elias:
Rich:
qklcxhngln66yblxpcyq.jpg
Your team: Los Angeles Chargers.
Your 2017 record: 9-7. And if you thought the Chargers were gonna somehow shed their penchant for late-game dick-shooting in the course of moving to LA, you must be a member of the Spanos family. In their very first game, they had a game-tying kick whistled dead after the Broncos froze the kicker, and then had the subsequent kick blocked. In their second game, the kicker missed ANOTHER field goal right at the very end that would have won it. They also lost to the Patriots after their returner fielded a punt at the 11 and somehow turned it into a safety:
Again, nothing about this is surprising. Everyone knew the move to LA would be a disaster, but the Chargers did it anyway and now their stadium serves as a vacation spot for asshole Eagles fans. They lost a playoff tiebreaker to fucking BUFFALO.
Your coach:PUMPEDfor the upcoming season!Your quarterback: MARMALARD!!!!
Adam SchefterVerified account @AdamSchefterzyp3270ofq81v6mdwll1.jpgWhat has always sucked: Serious Tom Arnoldand brandishing a cheap logo and a shitty hat. Then he had the hilarious, blind GALL to charge $100 to anyone looking for a parking spot. He played hardball with their best draft prospect in years. He fired the equipment manager of 38 years only AFTER the poor bastard had uprooted and moved with them to L.A.. Kevin Clark of The RingerDJ92Ak-UIAEMv7p.jpg Even the mayor of L.A.Boltman. Boltman is the mascot for a pizza chain no one asked for.
What might not suck: fdayhrlmyhgzcrlymwei.jpg
Bobby Beathard just got inducted into the Hall of Fame and I assume they conveniently glanced over the time he traded away a future first rounder to draft Bryan Still, who lasted a grand total of four years in football before falling off a cliff. Then he traded ANOTHER future first to draft Mikhael Ricks! Amazing. Drafting Ryan Leaf was downright sensible compared to those two moves.
HEAR IT FROM CHARGERS FANS!
Justin Halpern:
Pacific Rim instead of Silicon Valley
Alex:
Rivers has the agility of a sea lion wearing boots.
Robert:
Steve:
Roberto Aguayo is on the roster.
Joshua:
Jason Verrett does not exist, but every offseason Chargers social media pretends that he does.
Jake:
Jay:
There is only one logical conclusion to Dean Spanos abandoning a loyal fanbase in San Diego just to pay rent in a market that has absolutely no interest in them whatsoever, and that conclusion is that the Chargers will eventually be sold to Donald Trump.
Also, any remaining fans who live in San Diego should be handed over to MS-13.
Also, any remaining fans who live in San Diego should be handed over to MS-13.
Brett:
Mike:
by the kicker who they cut in the preseason in favor of a kicker they ended up cutting after Week 2
Jeff:
Tim:
Ryan:
Fuck this trash fire of a franchise to its miserable, rotten core.
LAFC has existed for roughly 12 minutes and already has a bigger following than the Chargers will ever have.
Also, this:
LAFC has existed for roughly 12 minutes and already has a bigger following than the Chargers will ever have.
Also, this:
m2kvzbsgprrdp9odasl7.png
Jeff:
I go to school in Philadelphia, and when the Chargers moved to LA my friends agreed that I could have a free pass to become an Eagles fan. And being the numbskull that I am, I doubled down and told everyone I knew that the Chargers would have the better season. Cut to December, I had suffered through an 0-4 start only for us to go on a 7-2 run and I was back to telling everyone that we were gonna whip the floundering Chiefs and storm into the playoffs.
It was a week after my 21st birthday so I decided to go out to a bar and watch the game I was certain we would win. Instead I watched, six or seven beers in, as we fell flat on our faces in my powder blue Darren Sproles jersey. Fuck this team, and most of all fuck me for believing in them. And on top of that, two months later the Eagles won the Super Bowl, and I watched what could have been the best moment of my life. Also fuck Dean Spanos and fuck this team for somehow letting every important guy except Marmalard get hurt every year.
It was a week after my 21st birthday so I decided to go out to a bar and watch the game I was certain we would win. Instead I watched, six or seven beers in, as we fell flat on our faces in my powder blue Darren Sproles jersey. Fuck this team, and most of all fuck me for believing in them. And on top of that, two months later the Eagles won the Super Bowl, and I watched what could have been the best moment of my life. Also fuck Dean Spanos and fuck this team for somehow letting every important guy except Marmalard get hurt every year.
Patrick:
Elias:
Rich:
qklcxhngln66yblxpcyq.jpg
Comment