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Here's a blast from the past - a thread we had going on at ESPN long ago. Some of our current members contributed as well!
You know you're a Raider fan:
When you have to use both hands to count how many of your family members are in prison.
When you get the toilet water confused with Eu De Toilette.
When you sue the creators of "Oz" over privacy rights.
When you go to a theater revival of "Stomp" and leave shoe treads on the backs of the audience members.
When you go into a store and before shopping, you seek out the store manager and say "I didn't do it".
When you have a bailbondsman on speed dial.
When you wake up in a cold sweat muttering "48-21.. oh my God".
If you thought the show "Playmakers" was a documentary.
When your spouse is also your parole officer (courtest of CaptainD).
When you're Halloween shopping in August (CaptainD).
When you go to any football game and the beer sales are cut off at halftime (CaptainD).
When someone in a crowd yells "You piece of ****!!" and you turn around to see who's talking to you.
When your kid says "Pokemon" and you reply, "Yeah, I spent a few years in incarceration".
When your birth certificate documents your name as "Defendant".
When your newborn picture on the day you leave the hospital is a cape and Darth Vader mask.
When your dad gives you your first set of cuff links, and tells you he'll give you the key later.
When your trailer's curbside appeal improves with each additional empty can of Pabst Blue Ribbon added to the artwork.
When your library card is only good at any library in the California penal system.
When the judge knows you by name.
When you feel that Michael got a raw deal in the "Halloween" movies.
When a cop asks you why you were speeding and you reply, "Isn't that what meth is made for officer?".
If prom was canceled on your cell block.
If your buddies give you a hard time because you only have one teardrop tattoo.
When your baby is too scared to come out during labor when it keeps seeing the costume.
If your wife ever says, "Hey honey, come take a look at this before I flush!" (CaptainD)
If you've ever loaned your lighter to a Raiders assistant coach.
When the prison dentist orders an oral exam and you say, "Been there, done that.".
When your prom queen has more years of age than teeth.
When you can't figure out why you're still single.
When you buy Gumout thinking that it'll help you keep your tooth clean.
When you can spell Matuszak, but nothing else.
If you get out of prison and have to undergo tattoo removal on your butt that says, "Property of"..
When you believe that you must have a high IQ, because you can't count all the way up to it.
If you think age doesn't matter.
When it makes more sense to stay in prison, because that's where your family and friends are.
If you get stopped by CHP and they ask you if you have an I.D., and you reply, "about what?".
When you look forward to having more tattoos than your mom one day.
When you have a dedicated filing cabinet at the police station. (CaptainD)
If you watched the History Channel's "Big House" looking for yourself on tv.
If you were acquitted of murdering your first wife after she threw out your Darth Raider costume.
When you are invited to a tailgate and volunteer to bring the KY and condoms.
When you recognize the neighborhoods filmed on COPS and think you're safe now because the show's over.
If you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it.
When one of your kids was born in confinement.
If you have to wonder if you can vote for the Pro-Bowl.
When you're brimming with pride about your daughter being selected to appear on http://www.8thstreetlatinas.com/
If you have make up sex during a conjugal visit.
If your Aunt and your Grandma are fighting over who is the widow.
When your high school senior class voted you "Most likely to wind up in jail". (CaptainD)
If you think a "Brown out" means you're getting deported.
When your "escape from reality" nets you another 10 years from the judge.
If you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
If you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
If your dentist has ever muttered "oh my God", then puked in his mask.
When "life after 30" refers to your stint at San Quentin.
If your mom has ever been in a fist-fight at a high school sporting event.
When the final scene in "Return of the Jedi" brings tears to your eyes. (CaptainD)
If you've ever accidentally stolen the radio from your own car.
If after making love, you have to ask your date to return to his cell.
If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
If this is your 8th year in the 3rd grade.
If you brag to your friends that you'll make a difference in life after the doctor told you you were 'impotent'.
If you've ever bragged to your friends that you can make a shank from your own feces.
When your police file weighs more than you. (CaptainD)
If you're 8 years older than your math teacher.
If you wrecked your Harley while delivering pizzas. (CaptainD)
If "Alice in Chains" inspires erotic Brady Bunch fantasies. (CaptainD)
If your primary source of income is a pawn shop.
If you think your wife's beer belly is hot.
If your blood alcohol content has ever been higher than your IQ.
If you've played "Shout at the Devil" at all of your weddings. (CaptainD)
If your typical meal time behavior includes surrounding your plate with your arm in an attempt to keep the other inmates from stealing your chow.
If switchblades are on your tailgate checklist.
When you keep a coffee can of cash marked BAIL MONEY.
If you've ever had a bottle of Olde English in your glove compartment.
If you spend your welfare check on season tickets.
If you wear the same thing to a comic convention that you do to the stadium.
When you don't need to change your outfit for your night job (robbing houses).
If you've never seen your team play a home game on tv.
If you threw objects at the opposing team's running back who just scored the winning touchdown in overtime at your stadium.
If your steering wheel is a chain.
If your collection of Star Wars action figures is only slightly larger than your collection of Calvin-pissing-on-the-helmets-of-other-AFC-west-teams bumper stickers.
If your name is tattooed on your girlfriend's ***, in alphabetical order - "right there under the G's".
If you keep an empty bottle of malt liquor near the bed because you're too lazy to go to the bathroom.
If you confuse rooting for a pro football team with your passions for cross-dressing, WWE, metal, sci-fi, latent homosexuality, muscle cars, leather, face paint, choppers and fat chicks.
If you're invited on a train ride and answer, "Yeah, my wife was into that stuff before we got married".
If someone asks you what the line on the game is, and you break out a razor, straw and a mirror.
If you're a repeat guest on "Springer".
If your home doesn't really need a foundation.
If "shared custody" means you're one of 4 possible fathers.
When your friends can always find you at the Wal-Mart cosmetics counter.
When you're proud of the "**** YOU" tattoo on your knuckles.
When you take your ride down to Tilo's Torque-sters to get the WOOWOO installed.
When you bounce a check for smokes.
When you have maxed out your Pep Boys line of credit.
If your family has a tattoo fund.
When you find the girl of your dreams at the clinic.
If you're under-qualified for the Special Olympics.
When you're denied ownership of a firearm.
If the idea of a Bacardi I.V. drip sounds appealing to you.
When the color of your underwear matches your skin tone.
If you think you're healthy because the doctor said you're sterile.
If you bought your spouse on e-bay.
When you own his and hers Darth Vader costumes.
When you use Raid, Aquanet or Tres Flores on your hair.
When your wife's wedding ring is a gold set of brass knuckles with a diamond on the ring finger.
If you think Al Davis is looking out for your best interests.
When you've already got the jogging suit picked out that you want to be buried in.
If your wife can slam a beer bong faster than you.
When you think that the handicapped spots are for those too drunk to walk very far.
If you have an online account with Canadian suppliers of penicillin.
If you think Balzac is genitalia.
If you think Beethoven's 5th was a plea at a trial.
When you think a Ford Probe is something other than a car.
When you've lost more trailers through divorce than the average Oklahoman has lost through tornados. (CaptainD)
When you think buying a car seat for your infant is a waste of good beer money.
When you think that riding shotgun means you'll get to pull the trigger.
When you get mad that you can't use your food stamps for beer.
When fine dining means you let your old lady choose between the hot or mild sauce.
When fine dining means the spork is included at no cost.
If you've ever traded food stamps for crack.
When over 50% of your family photos have black I.D. numbers at the bottom.
If you consider Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker or Jim Beam among your close, personal friends.
If you ever did wind sprints with a cigarette in your mouth with Fred Billetnikoff.
When you get denied for a payday loan.
When you think Roe vs. Wade was a boxing match you were too drunk to remember watching.
If you've ever given your mom a 10 pack of beer for Christmas "'cause gif rappin' is tough werk!"
If you have to wait for the library to open to get back at me for posting this.
You know you're a Raider fan:
When you have to use both hands to count how many of your family members are in prison.
When you get the toilet water confused with Eu De Toilette.
When you sue the creators of "Oz" over privacy rights.
When you go to a theater revival of "Stomp" and leave shoe treads on the backs of the audience members.
When you go into a store and before shopping, you seek out the store manager and say "I didn't do it".
When you have a bailbondsman on speed dial.
When you wake up in a cold sweat muttering "48-21.. oh my God".
If you thought the show "Playmakers" was a documentary.
When your spouse is also your parole officer (courtest of CaptainD).
When you're Halloween shopping in August (CaptainD).
When you go to any football game and the beer sales are cut off at halftime (CaptainD).
When someone in a crowd yells "You piece of ****!!" and you turn around to see who's talking to you.
When your kid says "Pokemon" and you reply, "Yeah, I spent a few years in incarceration".
When your birth certificate documents your name as "Defendant".
When your newborn picture on the day you leave the hospital is a cape and Darth Vader mask.
When your dad gives you your first set of cuff links, and tells you he'll give you the key later.
When your trailer's curbside appeal improves with each additional empty can of Pabst Blue Ribbon added to the artwork.
When your library card is only good at any library in the California penal system.
When the judge knows you by name.
When you feel that Michael got a raw deal in the "Halloween" movies.
When a cop asks you why you were speeding and you reply, "Isn't that what meth is made for officer?".
If prom was canceled on your cell block.
If your buddies give you a hard time because you only have one teardrop tattoo.
When your baby is too scared to come out during labor when it keeps seeing the costume.
If your wife ever says, "Hey honey, come take a look at this before I flush!" (CaptainD)
If you've ever loaned your lighter to a Raiders assistant coach.
When the prison dentist orders an oral exam and you say, "Been there, done that.".
When your prom queen has more years of age than teeth.
When you can't figure out why you're still single.
When you buy Gumout thinking that it'll help you keep your tooth clean.
When you can spell Matuszak, but nothing else.
If you get out of prison and have to undergo tattoo removal on your butt that says, "Property of"..
When you believe that you must have a high IQ, because you can't count all the way up to it.
If you think age doesn't matter.
When it makes more sense to stay in prison, because that's where your family and friends are.
If you get stopped by CHP and they ask you if you have an I.D., and you reply, "about what?".
When you look forward to having more tattoos than your mom one day.
When you have a dedicated filing cabinet at the police station. (CaptainD)
If you watched the History Channel's "Big House" looking for yourself on tv.
If you were acquitted of murdering your first wife after she threw out your Darth Raider costume.
When you are invited to a tailgate and volunteer to bring the KY and condoms.
When you recognize the neighborhoods filmed on COPS and think you're safe now because the show's over.
If you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it.
When one of your kids was born in confinement.
If you have to wonder if you can vote for the Pro-Bowl.
When you're brimming with pride about your daughter being selected to appear on http://www.8thstreetlatinas.com/
If you have make up sex during a conjugal visit.
If your Aunt and your Grandma are fighting over who is the widow.
When your high school senior class voted you "Most likely to wind up in jail". (CaptainD)
If you think a "Brown out" means you're getting deported.
When your "escape from reality" nets you another 10 years from the judge.
If you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
If you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
If your dentist has ever muttered "oh my God", then puked in his mask.
When "life after 30" refers to your stint at San Quentin.
If your mom has ever been in a fist-fight at a high school sporting event.
When the final scene in "Return of the Jedi" brings tears to your eyes. (CaptainD)
If you've ever accidentally stolen the radio from your own car.
If after making love, you have to ask your date to return to his cell.
If your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
If this is your 8th year in the 3rd grade.
If you brag to your friends that you'll make a difference in life after the doctor told you you were 'impotent'.
If you've ever bragged to your friends that you can make a shank from your own feces.
When your police file weighs more than you. (CaptainD)
If you're 8 years older than your math teacher.
If you wrecked your Harley while delivering pizzas. (CaptainD)
If "Alice in Chains" inspires erotic Brady Bunch fantasies. (CaptainD)
If your primary source of income is a pawn shop.
If you think your wife's beer belly is hot.
If your blood alcohol content has ever been higher than your IQ.
If you've played "Shout at the Devil" at all of your weddings. (CaptainD)
If your typical meal time behavior includes surrounding your plate with your arm in an attempt to keep the other inmates from stealing your chow.
If switchblades are on your tailgate checklist.
When you keep a coffee can of cash marked BAIL MONEY.
If you've ever had a bottle of Olde English in your glove compartment.
If you spend your welfare check on season tickets.
If you wear the same thing to a comic convention that you do to the stadium.
When you don't need to change your outfit for your night job (robbing houses).
If you've never seen your team play a home game on tv.
If you threw objects at the opposing team's running back who just scored the winning touchdown in overtime at your stadium.
If your steering wheel is a chain.
If your collection of Star Wars action figures is only slightly larger than your collection of Calvin-pissing-on-the-helmets-of-other-AFC-west-teams bumper stickers.
If your name is tattooed on your girlfriend's ***, in alphabetical order - "right there under the G's".
If you keep an empty bottle of malt liquor near the bed because you're too lazy to go to the bathroom.
If you confuse rooting for a pro football team with your passions for cross-dressing, WWE, metal, sci-fi, latent homosexuality, muscle cars, leather, face paint, choppers and fat chicks.
If you're invited on a train ride and answer, "Yeah, my wife was into that stuff before we got married".
If someone asks you what the line on the game is, and you break out a razor, straw and a mirror.
If you're a repeat guest on "Springer".
If your home doesn't really need a foundation.
If "shared custody" means you're one of 4 possible fathers.
When your friends can always find you at the Wal-Mart cosmetics counter.
When you're proud of the "**** YOU" tattoo on your knuckles.
When you take your ride down to Tilo's Torque-sters to get the WOOWOO installed.
When you bounce a check for smokes.
When you have maxed out your Pep Boys line of credit.
If your family has a tattoo fund.
When you find the girl of your dreams at the clinic.
If you're under-qualified for the Special Olympics.
When you're denied ownership of a firearm.
If the idea of a Bacardi I.V. drip sounds appealing to you.
When the color of your underwear matches your skin tone.
If you think you're healthy because the doctor said you're sterile.
If you bought your spouse on e-bay.
When you own his and hers Darth Vader costumes.
When you use Raid, Aquanet or Tres Flores on your hair.
When your wife's wedding ring is a gold set of brass knuckles with a diamond on the ring finger.
If you think Al Davis is looking out for your best interests.
When you've already got the jogging suit picked out that you want to be buried in.
If your wife can slam a beer bong faster than you.
When you think that the handicapped spots are for those too drunk to walk very far.
If you have an online account with Canadian suppliers of penicillin.
If you think Balzac is genitalia.
If you think Beethoven's 5th was a plea at a trial.
When you think a Ford Probe is something other than a car.
When you've lost more trailers through divorce than the average Oklahoman has lost through tornados. (CaptainD)
When you think buying a car seat for your infant is a waste of good beer money.
When you think that riding shotgun means you'll get to pull the trigger.
When you get mad that you can't use your food stamps for beer.
When fine dining means you let your old lady choose between the hot or mild sauce.
When fine dining means the spork is included at no cost.
If you've ever traded food stamps for crack.
When over 50% of your family photos have black I.D. numbers at the bottom.
If you consider Jack Daniels, Johnny Walker or Jim Beam among your close, personal friends.
If you ever did wind sprints with a cigarette in your mouth with Fred Billetnikoff.
When you get denied for a payday loan.
When you think Roe vs. Wade was a boxing match you were too drunk to remember watching.
If you've ever given your mom a 10 pack of beer for Christmas "'cause gif rappin' is tough werk!"
If you have to wait for the library to open to get back at me for posting this.
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